Stunt Men

“Okay, I don’t have to tell you guys that crashing a helicopter is very expensive, but crashing a helicopter into a perfectly good building makes it even more expensive, so if we could just, you know, do this once that’d be great.” Nik the director said, but even as he said it his hopes fizzled out.

“Don’t you worry sir!” David saluted, “I am the king of one takes.”

“No, you’re not.” Nik said flatly, but David ignored him and leaned in close.

“Betwixt you and me though, I must confess, I have some concerns about Rick. He’s never had any helicopters dropped on him before, and I just think that…”

“Rick has been perfect,” Nik said rolling up his script into a tube and prepared to use it as a weapon. “He hasn’t missed a single line, improv’d anything, or been late.” Nik opened his mouth to say more when he looked past David, and there was Jim Bones, standing next to a couple of men in skeleton suits.

“Hey! Who are these guys?!” Nik asked, pushing past David. “What are they doing here?”

“These are my stunt doubles.” Jim answered. “Thought it would be best if trained professionals performed such a dangerous stunt.”

“You’re a skeleton!” Nik screamed. “You are already dead, or whatever you are! These are people, people that will make a huge mess if they get squished!”

“Oh yeah, that’s fair.” Jim mumbled looking down. “That’s probably why my life insurance is so cheap.”

“I swear…” Nik sighed and took off his glasses, rubbing at his eyes. “Can I get anyone who is competent around here.”

“Speak of the devil,” Rayne said as she walked up behind him.

“Ah, Rayne, thank you!” Nik pointed at the sound guys and gestured them over to a different spot and gave them the thumbs up. “Finally, someone who can actually do things, and control them.” He glared at David and Dustbunny, sitting in their actors chairs eating a whole bowl of cucumbers.

“Go get them,” he said, his voice cracking. “Please!”

One sigh later, Rick turned around and there was Hunter, the writer of this book.

“Hunter!” Nik screamed, his face turning a cherry red. “What are you doing?!”

“I…” Hunter said carefully, “am building a lego bonsai tree.”

“This is literally your whole creation, could you not like, I dunno, create it!”

“No, no, they got it,” Hunter waved him away. “I’m sure they’ll do something fun and exciting. Also, slightly off topic, you remember that thing we discussed this morning?”

“Oh,” Nik snapped. “You mean when you broke into my house while I was sleeping?!”

“Yeah, that, so here’s what I was thinking—“

“I was asleep!”

“So peacefully I must say.”

“And while I was sleeping you sat at the end of my bed and ate a gravy biscuit.”

“Indeed, I did.”

“Why!?”

“You were sleeping.”

“Agh!” Nik screamed and pulled at his hair.

“The usual?” M’natherine asked as she arrived, in her hands a cup holder with four cups of coffee from the place down the street. Two black, two with sugar and cream.

“Definitely the usual.” Dustbunny said reaching up like a child and grabbing at one of the coffees. M’natherine rolled her eyes and handed it down to him.

“It’s amazing we get anything done around here,” she said shaking her head slightly. “Oh well.”

***